Category Archives: the yolks of folks

Power pulpit packs pews, gives new meaning to ‘power in the blood’

By Eula Harkle

Story Teller

Since the installation of a revolutionary tool designed to bring long-absent church members back into the sanctuary and keep them interested and awake while they worship, the attendance of the Hogswallop Trinity Beautification of the Baptist Church has nearly doubled in the past month of Sundays.

HTBBC pastor Rev. K.K. Culvert designed and patented the device himself and, no pun intended, has seen it work miracles in his church.  The power pulpit comes equipped with a remote control zapper for all the back pews in order to make sure everyone sits towards the front of the church as well as several hidden mirrors so that Culvert can see all angles and make sure no one is napping.  Culvert got the idea to design the pulpit when a visiting couple slept through his famous Christmas sermon and managed to go for a sleep walk through the Christmas pageant during its most crucial moments.

“It was there, after that terribly embarrassing event, that I decided I’d better be doin’ something to keep my dignity and the dignity of the church intact,” he commented. “I built the new pulpit for the purpose of keeping everyone thoroughly alert throughout the course of an average marathon sermon.”

Allowing the PG to see a quick run-through of how the pulpit works, Culvert pointed out how each pew is wired with a microphone that detects snoring and the pulpit reacts automatically to any sort of sleepy-sounding noise coming from the church members whether it’s a snore, a yawn or even an ADHD-induced sigh. And tithing is a must.  A refusal to tithe when the offering plate is passed results in a quick slap on the wrist.  Culvert refused to comment on a recent attempt to sue the church made by a visitor who was stabbed by the tithe-maker-taker.  Overall, he’s very happy with the results and finds he can now preach longer and with more enthusiasm than before.

So, what’s next for this preacher who refuses to give up on his congregation and will use whatever means necessary to keep them “up and at em”?   Plans are now in the works to turn the baptistry into a hot tub complete with bubble bath for comfort and to ensure that all sins are completely washed away.

Town council milked for entire worth

By Eugene Tiddly, Paper Writ

The latest big news to take a bite out of city hall has everyone’s stomachs a’churnin’. And that ain’t no yolk.

It began when long-time revered and admired Creek citizen and town council member Lester Dodum perished from his wife’s cookin’, or as good ol’ Lester would say his wife’s burnin’, and begat ever last ounce of his belongin’s to his prized Guernsey Gertrude. As Lester’s been a member of the town council for over 40 years, he also proudly beqeathed his spot on the board to his half-ton heifer.  

In the beginnin’, everthang was goin’ well. Gertrude showed up to all the meetin’s, even givin’ up valuable time in the pasture and in the dairy to come out and hep in the decision-making process of this town. She good-naturedly supplied all the eats and drinks, pints of milk, slices of cheese, gallons of ice cream and all was well. But pretty soon, as all new council members tend to do, bovine, human or otherwise, she tried to shove around a little bit of her weight. Trouble is, she carries a might bit more weight than the average council member.

She come in to one meetin’ one fateful night with a long list clenched in one hoof and a look of pure determynation in her eye. She mooed out her business and the more she demanded, the wider folks’ eyes got.

For the privilege of the Gazette, her list has been provided for all to read. And remember, the public hearin’s set for next month on these items:

1. There shall be no more grillin’ out hamburgers of any sort as a fund raising event, includin’ the fire station’s annual bbq, as it’s no less than an abomynashun to me and my kind. All places of eatin’ that serve beef shall be closed down by the board of health.

2. The town’s water line will no longer run water, but will be tapped with milk as it’s the nectar of the gods.

3. Town meetin’s will be moved to the Co-op where fresh hay and decent bathroom and sleeping quarters are never far away.

4. The town’s song will be changed from “Bell Bottom, My Beatiful Bell Bottom” to “Hey Diddle Diddle.”

5. At least fer our neck of the woods, the food guide pyramid shall be shimmied up to have milk and dairy at the base and beef and all other meat that don’t matter so much placed at the very top.

 

6. Every good citizen will learn to chew his or her own cud. Um, crud? Um, s.p.?

People has already been speculatin’ how to git old Gertrude out of office, but hate to do any harm to Lester’s memory. However, as far as research can tell, commitin’ first degree cowslaughter carries no sort of jail sentence, but whets many folks appetites. 

Until then, Gertrude’s stuck in office, our little town’s been put on the map for something else and all our folks will be continuin’ to put up with meetin’s that last until the cow comes home.